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| Author | Jokes Jokes Jokes (Read 121787 times) | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Bolkonskij
Administrator 1024 MB  Posts: 2023 
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Reply #45 on: March 03, 2024, 19:53
There were three men waiting for entry at the pearly gates. St. Peter addressed the first one. "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" "Five times", he replied. "Very good" said St. Peter. "You may have this Cadillac to drive around in." The second man, when queried, responded "Twice". Again St. Peter said "Excellent. You may have this Mercedes to drive around in." The third man said "I've always been faithful, never cheated". St. Peter said "Marvelous. You may have this Rolls Royce to drive around in." A few days later the first two men came upon the third man parked by the side of the road. He had his head on the steering wheel and was sobbing almost uncontrollably. They approached him and asked "What's the trouble?" He answered, "I just saw my wife go by on a MoPed!" |
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Bolkonskij
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Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023
Reply #46 on: March 20, 2024, 12:55
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In The Beginning... Quote In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console. And the spirit of IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said: "Let there be registers!". And there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried. And DEC seperated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt ...
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Bolkonskij
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Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023
Reply #47 on: May 16, 2024, 17:27
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Quote A former employer of mine received a survey from a government agency interested in fair employment practices. One question asked: How many employees do you have, broken down by sex?
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Bolkonskij
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Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023
Reply #48 on: June 07, 2024, 16:43
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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." --------------------------------------------------- "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets." --------------------------------------------------- Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
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Bolkonskij
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Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023
Reply #49 on: July 03, 2024, 17:32
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After the creation of humanity, the various parts of the body met to decide who among them should become The Boss. The Arm spoke first. "I am the man's strength, for I hold the spear that brings down the game that runs through the woods. Therefore, I should be The Boss. The Eye spoke next. "No, I should be The Boss. I make it possible for the man to SEE what he wants to hunt. Without me, he could not aim and you, Arm, could not throw accurately. Therefore, I should be The Boss." Then the Brain spoke. "You're wrong. I am the center of all bodily functions. I control the arm's motion, and the ability of the Eye to see. I am the Boss already, so let's make it official. The other parts of the body were about to acclaim the Brain as The Boss when they heard another voice. "You're all full of crap. You'd better make ME the Boss." "Who said that?" snapped the Brain. "It's .... it's the asshole!" roared the Arm and they all laughed hysterically. "Okay, guys, laugh all you want" said the Asshole. "I am going on strike". Which it did. After three days, the Arm was weak. The Eye was blurred. And the brain was befogged. There was an emergency meeting. "Ok, ok!" the parts of the body cried. "You can be The Boss. You ARE the boss! Please ... just go back to work!". And the asshole did. Moral of the story? You don't have to have a strong arm, clear eye or clear-thinking brain to be The Boss, you just have to be ...
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Bolkonskij
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Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023
Reply #50 on: October 28, 2024, 16:49
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The new pullover I bought was picking up lots of static electricity. I brought it back to the shop, and they gave me another one, free of charge.
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wove
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1024 MB  Posts: 1363
Reply #51 on: October 29, 2024, 21:10
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I just learned Einstein was a real person. I always thought he was just a theoretical physicist.
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Neal_SE30
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256 MB Posts: 401 System 7 Newcomer!
Reply #52 on: November 03, 2024, 00:20
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1.) Why did the classic Macintosh computer always get invited to parties? Because it never crashed the fun! 2.) Why did the SE/30 refuse to join modern computer club? Because it couldn’t handle all the color.
Last Edit: November 03, 2024, 00:29 by Neal_SE30
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cballero
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1024 MB Posts: 1179 System 7, today and forever
Reply #53 on: November 03, 2024, 12:05
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Why's an old 16-bit Performa feeling down these days? Because it's feeling a little “glitchy” and is having trouble dealing with its “byte-sized” issues! 
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MTT
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256 MB Posts: 394 SSW7 Oldtimer
Reply #54 on: November 23, 2024, 02:50
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From the usenets: --------------------- A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic. The nurse greeted them warmly and asked the priest, "What is your blood type, Father?" The priest replied, "I am a type A." Next, the nurse turned to the pastor and asked, "And you, Pastor, what is your blood type?" The pastor responded, "I am a type B." Finally, the nurse looked at the rabbit and asked, "What is your blood type?" The rabbit replied, "I think I'm a type O."
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68040
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512 MB Posts: 950 68k - thy kingdom come, thy will be done !
Reply #55 on: November 23, 2024, 11:17
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Folks, these jokes are getting way too nerdy. Let's return to a*hole level. 
Last Edit: November 23, 2024, 11:19 by 68040
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cballero
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1024 MB Posts: 1179 System 7, today and forever
Reply #56 on: November 23, 2024, 16:48
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Only you, 68040, only you!
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MTT
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256 MB Posts: 394 SSW7 Oldtimer
Reply #57 on: November 23, 2024, 23:39
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Birthday Card message: -------------------------- There were Ten Men and One Woman Hanging off a rope suspended from a rescue helicopter. They decided that someone would have to let go, because if they didn't, the rope would break and they would all die. There were no volunteers. Finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others because generally women were used to giving up things for men !... ...and all the men started clapping ! Have a Great Birthday !
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68040
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512 MB Posts: 950 68k - thy kingdom come, thy will be done !
Reply #58 on: November 24, 2024, 15:40
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Now, that's my kind o'humor. 
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Bolkonskij
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Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023
Reply #59 on: December 11, 2024, 17:19
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One day a farmer was walking through the woods, when he came upon a furry animal caught in a trap. Being the kind soul that he was, he pryed open the trap to set the animal free. Well, to his shock and surprise the furry animal stood up, introduced himself as an elf and granted the farmer one wish. A year later in a nightclub, the star attraction is none other than the farmer. He walks on stage, opens his suitcase and a little ten inch man jumps out. Next the farmer pulls out a miniature grand piano, which the ten inch man sits down to play. The little man plays beautifully and at the end of his concert is given a standing ovation. Later on backstage, the farmer is talking to a reporter. "Where did you find that ten inch pianist" he inquires. "Well", the farmer explains his meeting in the woods, "I wished for something else, but the elf was a little hard of hearing".
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