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Author	Jokes Jokes Jokes (Read 121783 times)
Bolkonskij Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023	Reply #15 on: July 05, 2022, 06:20 @wove - yes sir, I think they call it U.S. cultural imperialism. :-) We in Europe know you guys much much better than you do know us in return. I'm still convinced I probably didn't get every nuance of the joke, but I thought it was funny and I should share it with you :-)

68040 512 MB Posts: 950 68k - thy kingdom come, thy will be done !	Reply #16 on: July 05, 2022, 12:08 Well, its actually an old joke. Texans are mutually disliked in the US (and sometimes secretly admired), for their claim that "everything is bigger in Texas" (emphasis on everything). Thus poking fun at the ten gallon hat people for their (literarry) oversized egos is actually quite popular - outside of Texas.

Bolkonskij Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023	Reply #17 on: October 14, 2022, 12:32 A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. "Yes?" "Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man look at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?" "8:25!" The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. "Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"

Bolkonskij Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023	Reply #18 on: October 14, 2022, 12:40 Quote I halve a spelling checker; It came with my pea sea. It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes i dew not sea. I've sent this message threw it, And I'm shore pleased to no It's letter perfect in its weigh; My checker tolled me sew. This one is especially tricky for those of us with a mother tongue other than English! :-D

Neal_SE30 256 MB Posts: 401 System 7 Newcomer!	Reply #19 on: October 14, 2022, 13:47 Why don't oysters donate to charity? Because they're shellfish

Bolkonskij Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023	Reply #20 on: October 14, 2022, 14:28 LOL. Love those corny jokes :-D

MTT 256 MB Posts: 394 SSW7 Oldtimer	Reply #21 on: December 16, 2022, 06:17 Not a joke in a conventional sense, instead, a selected reading... Quote from: Rafe Needleman, CNET (2011) "This Friday's Reporters' Roundtable is on a topic that vexes us all: Why are end user license agreements and terms of service so long and convoluted? To get ourselves in the mood for this show, we asked CNET fan (and Academy Award winner) Richard Dreyfuss if he'd help us out by doing a dramatic reading of the Apple EULA. He said yes. So, without further ado, we present to you, Dramatic readings from the iTunes EULA by Richard Dreyfuss" (Web Archive) Scroll down that page to the links titled: * Please read * Responsbility * Damages * Effective Until Each link redirects, so you may prefer these direct links to each short reading: 1Agreement.mp3 2Responsibility.mp3 3Damage.mp3 4EffectiveUntil.mp3 The actual CNET page still exists, but the EULA readings have vanished, hence the Web Archive links.
Last Edit: December 16, 2022, 06:21 by MTT
Neal_SE30 256 MB Posts: 401 System 7 Newcomer!	Reply #22 on: December 16, 2022, 14:07 English is the international language of business and diplomacy. I think that’s where the misconception is. It’s not the most spoken language. Chinese & Spanish i think are spoken by more. What i find funny is the EU in brussels use English and they hate the uk 😆 English has a lot of words and therefore legal small print, diplomatic treaties etc are more easily defined in written due form
Last Edit: December 16, 2022, 14:11 by Neal_SE30
Bolkonskij Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023	Reply #23 on: January 22, 2023, 09:57 http://revontulet.org/2023/01/22/pc.jpg

MTT 256 MB Posts: 394 SSW7 Oldtimer	Reply #24 on: January 23, 2023, 03:39 Quote from: joke "borrowed" from usenet (Rot13): "This one had me laughing for about 2 days..." Uv gurer. Guvf vf abg ernyyl wbxr. V'z whfg univat fbzr sha jvgu gubfr jub qba'g xabj ubj gb ebg13 na negvpyr. Gb or ernyyl zrna, sbyybj-hc gb guvf negvpyr jvgu fbzrguvat yvxr "Obl, gung jnf gur shaavrfg wbxr V rire urneq!" -Stush That was a funny joke. But I can see why the Rot13 was needed
Last Edit: January 23, 2023, 03:41 by MTT
68040 512 MB Posts: 950 68k - thy kingdom come, thy will be done !	Reply #25 on: January 24, 2023, 00:40 @Bolkonskij - I am so offended by your Cartoon posting, that I might actually sneer about it - or not!

Bolkonskij Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023	Reply #26 on: February 25, 2023, 21:32 Quote Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

MTT 256 MB Posts: 394 SSW7 Oldtimer	Reply #27 on: February 26, 2023, 04:34 See, it always pays to tell the truth

MTT 256 MB Posts: 394 SSW7 Oldtimer	Reply #28 on: February 26, 2023, 04:38 Mavis accompanied her husband Fred to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called his wife into his office. Doctor: "Your husband has a very serious condition, combined with high anxiety and extreme stress. As well as the prescribed medication he'll need to take, I would like you to help him by performing the following duties, otherwise your husband may die: Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times and make sure he is in a good mood. Don't burden him with any chores. Daily, prepare a cooked evening meal and have it ready by no later than 5:30pm Each morning, iron his shirts and make sure he has a clean change of clothes. Be intimate with him every night and tell him how much you love him. Don't ever discuss any stresses you may have, as this will only make him feel worse. If you keep up this regime for a few months, I believe your husband will regain his health and make a full recovery in under one year." On the way home, Fred asked his wife; "What did the doctor have to say to you?". Mavis replied; "You're going to die."

68040 512 MB Posts: 950 68k - thy kingdom come, thy will be done !	Reply #29 on: February 26, 2023, 13:19 Thick fog covers the sea near the continental shore as an American aircraft carrier, the flagship of the US navy in the Atlantic, makes its way up north. Suddenly the captain discovers a bright spot of light just ahead of him. He orders his helmsman to signal the other craft that they have to get out of the way. Yet the light doesn't move. The captain gets upset, then angry as signal after signal fails to make the other party change its position. "Captain, I got them on the radio!" says a sailor as he hands the microphone to his commanding officer. "Here is the captain of the American vessel. I order you to get out of our way - immediately!" "No, we won't. You have to move." comes the unconcerned reply. "How dare you. Beware, I command a mighty American aircraft carrier!" "Yeah", says the other guy unimpressed, "and I am only in charge of a puny Canadian lighthouse."
Last Edit: February 26, 2023, 14:08 by 68040
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