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| Author | Jokes Jokes Jokes (Read 121779 times) | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Bolkonskij
Administrator 1024 MB  Posts: 2023 
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on: February 16, 2021, 10:06
I feel we all could use a little more humor and not take thing so seriously these days. To add my tiny little share, I've decided to create a thread for jokes hereon S7T. Know a good one? Post it here :-) Oldie but goldie A young businessman had just started his own firm. He’d rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. As he was surveying his new office, a workman come into the outer office. Trying to look busy, the businessman picked up the phone and began speaking into it importantly, mentioning huge sums of money and making giant commitments. At last, he hung up. He turned to the visitor and asked, “Yes. Now, how can I help you?” The workman replied, “I’m here to install the phone.” Husband - Wife talk “Dear,” said the wife. “What would you do if I died?” “Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,” said the husband. “Why do you ask such a question?” “Would you remarry?” persevered the wife. “No, of course not, dear,” said the husband. “Don’t you like being married?” said the wife. “Of course I do, de ar,” he said. “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?” “All right,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.” “You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. “Yes,” said the husband. “Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long pause. “Well yes, I suppose I would,” replied the husband. “I see,” said the wife indignantly. “And would you let her wear my old clothes? “I suppose, if she wanted to,” said the husband. “Really,” said the wife icily. “And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?” “Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.” “Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.” “Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She’s left-handed.” Jokes with talking animals are usually not funny but this one ... A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bouncer inside the door says, “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!” The man says, “Oh, you don’t understand. This isn’t a regular dog. Thi s dog can talk.” “Oh yeah?” The bouncer sneers. “A hundred bucks says he can’t.” “Okay, you’re on,” and the man turns to the dog. “Okay, boy,” he says, “tell me, what’s on top of a house?” The dog answers, “Roof!” “And what,” says the man, “is on the outside of a tree?” “Bark!” says the dog. “Now,” says the man, “who was the greatest baseball player who ever lived?” “Ruth!” says the dog. At this point the bouncer grabs the man by the collar and snarls, “Get outta here!” And he roughly throws him into the street. The dog follows the man out, looks up at him, and says, “Gee. Do you think I should have said DiMaggio?” æ |
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lilliputian
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64 MB  Posts: 68 A Good Apple!
Reply #1 on: February 16, 2021, 23:37
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There's this little, erm, "gem"... that I uploaded not too long ago: "The Computer Comic" from Keyboard Comedy: https://macintoshgarden.org/apps/the-computer-comic Was it worth it rescuing it from the abyss? Only time will tell...
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Bolkonskij
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Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023
Reply #2 on: February 21, 2021, 07:22
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What do marriage and a hand grenade have in common? Pull the ring and you lose the house. ;-)
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Bolkonskij
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Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023
Reply #3 on: February 25, 2021, 17:21
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An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as a chief executive officer at a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards, he also announced "Four". The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"
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cballero
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1024 MB Posts: 1176 System 7, today and forever
Reply #4 on: February 26, 2021, 00:54
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Here's a nice one straight from the mystery van, lol  Daphne tells Fred, "I'm sick and tired of you pretending to be some detective ace all the time. I think we should split up." "Excellent idea", Fred replies. "That way we can cover more ground." Ba dum dum (http://emoticons.datahamster.com/drums.gif)
Last Edit: February 26, 2021, 00:57 by cballero
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Bolkonskij
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Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023
Reply #5 on: June 09, 2021, 07:33
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A Macintosh programmer walked into a redneck bar in White Plains, New York. He went up to the bar, ordered a beer, and asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a joke about a MS-DOS programmer. The bartender said, "I'm an MS-DOS programmer, and you see those two big guys shooting pool? They're MS-DOS programmers. Those guys arm wrestling? They're MS-DOS programmers, too." The Macintosh programmer looked at all of them and said to the bartender, "I see your point. I guess I'd have to explain the joke too .. many times."
Last Edit: October 21, 2021, 20:18 by Bolkonskij
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Bolkonskij
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Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023
Reply #6 on: July 16, 2021, 17:10
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A reporter was interviewing a decrepit, wizened, wrinkled man of clearly advanced age. She wondered if he adhered to any special diet. “Oh, yeah,” said the man, “I drink two quarts of beer and a pint of whiskey daily, and I’ve chain-smoked about five packs a day since I was eight. I live primarily on fatty red meat, fried foods, and French fries.” “That’s astounding!” said the reporter. “And how old did you say you were?” “Thirty-two.” ----------------------------------- Just as a yuppie was opening the door of his BMW, a car came along suddenly and hit the door, ripping it off completely. A policeman arrived at the scene. “My car, my car!” cried the yuppie. “Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeemer!!!” “You’re so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer.“You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!” The yuppie looked down and discovered the bloody spot where his arm had been only moments before. “Oh, my God, no!” he cried. The policeman put away his notebook. “I guess now you’ve learned a little something about what’s important in life.” But the yuppie was now crying harder than ever. “My Rolex!”
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Bolkonskij
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Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023
Reply #7 on: July 04, 2022, 19:03
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Quote Some people say that I’m superficial, but that’s just on the surface.€
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Bolkonskij
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Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023
Reply #8 on: July 04, 2022, 19:08
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A Texan was driving through Vermont. He was feeling thirsty, and he noticed a house in the distance, so he drove up and knocked on the door. The owner, a laconic farmer, let him in and gave him a glass of water.“Do you own this place?” asked the Texan, making polite converstion. “Yep.” The Texan looked around. “How big is this place, anyway?” “Couple acres.” The Texan grinned. “Back in Texas,” he said, “I own a ranch just outside Dallas. I get up at dawn, and get into my car and drive along the perimeter of my land. I keep driving all day, right on into the evening. And I still don’t make it back to the house until nearly midnight.” “Yep,” said the farmer. “I had a car like that once.”∂
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68040
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512 MB Posts: 950 68k - thy kingdom come, thy will be done !
Reply #9 on: July 04, 2022, 19:52
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Thx for the snarl on Texas.
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wove
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1024 MB Posts: 1363
Reply #10 on: July 04, 2022, 20:39
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You have to color me impressed. A fellow not from the US, who speaks English as a second language (I am just assuming that.) pulls of an excellent joke using regional American humor, nailing both Texas and New England stereo types flawlessly. Kudos to you.
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Cashed
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128 MB Posts: 192 System 7 Newcomer!
Reply #11 on: July 04, 2022, 22:05
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Hilarious! -Thanks for the laugh
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snes1423
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256 MB Posts: 458 A Man born of Mechina
Reply #12 on: July 04, 2022, 23:50
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i know that according to a exchange student from barcelona that a LOT of people in western europe not so much eastern are bilingual and usually speak english as a second language as english is truly the universal language of the ages
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68040
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512 MB Posts: 950 68k - thy kingdom come, thy will be done !
Reply #13 on: July 05, 2022, 01:32
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That is a *very* common misperception and part of the reason why European elites neglect their own languages in favor of ever more heavily "anglicized" dialects (or gobbledigook gibberish, depending on your point of view). But fact is, that the most often spoken language in the world is Han-Chinese. And even in the former British colonies only a tiny minority speaks "English English". If the common people there speak any anglosaxon lingo at all, it is mostly Pidgin or Creole - a heavy mix between native tongues and 19th century English - barely understandable to the outsider. And in many parts of Eastern Europe German and even Russian will get you further ahead on street level than any Oxford language class.
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snes1423
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256 MB Posts: 458 A Man born of Mechina
Reply #14 on: July 05, 2022, 02:56
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thanks for clarifying that
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