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Author	Jokes Jokes Jokes (Read 121781 times)
Neal_SE30 256 MB Posts: 401 System 7 Newcomer!	Reply #30 on: February 27, 2023, 20:10 Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Bolkonskij Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023	Reply #31 on: March 01, 2023, 07:38 Man, as a non-native speaker of English I had to read it twice to get the pun :-D

wove 1024 MB Posts: 1363	Reply #32 on: March 01, 2023, 14:04 You know it is a good pun, when even a native speaker has to read it twice to get

MTT 256 MB Posts: 394 SSW7 Oldtimer	Reply #33 on: March 02, 2023, 03:25 Puns, puns, puns... To write with a broken pencil is pointless. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. A dentist and a manicurist were unhappily married. They fought tooth and nail. A will is a dead giveaway. You are stuck with your dept if you can't budge it. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

68040 512 MB Posts: 950 68k - thy kingdom come, thy will be done !	Reply #34 on: March 02, 2023, 10:41 A good punchline may caress the beltline, but it doesn't cross it.

Bolkonskij Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023	Reply #35 on: June 24, 2023, 17:52 Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides. Finally, one says to the other: "Look, it's clear that we're unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some time and both agree to not vote today? The other agrees enthusiastically and they part. Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard the conversation says, "That was a sporting offer you made". "Not really", says the second. "This is the third time I've done this today!"

Bolkonskij Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023	Reply #36 on: July 05, 2023, 17:03 Found this and had a good laugh. So true. How dumb Hollywood portrayed computers and computer usage ever since ... --------------------------- 21 Things Computers can do in Movies - Word processors never display a cursor. - You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. - Movie characters never make typing mistakes. - All monitors display inch-high letters. - High-tech computers, such as used by the NASA or CIA, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those without graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English e.g. type "ACCESS THE SECRET FILE" on any nearby keyboard. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (See "Fortress") - All computers are connected. Always. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off. - Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. (really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer) - All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and and explosion that causes you to jump backwards. - People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data. - A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries. - You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" messages by using the "OVERRIDE" function (see "Demolition Man") - Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up. - Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of 2 GB per second. - If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (see "Clear and Present Danger") - If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it. - Computer can interface with any other computer regardless oft the manufacturer or galaxy where it orginated (see "Independence Day") - Computer disks will work on any computer that has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms. - The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (see "Aliens"). Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button. - Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities. - Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face (see "Alien" or "2001") - Searches on the Internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (see "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are returned.
Last Edit: July 08, 2023, 07:31 by Bolkonskij
cballero 1024 MB Posts: 1176 System 7, today and forever	Reply #37 on: July 07, 2023, 21:27 I definitely love watching out for how fake film computer people do a whole bunch of impossible things.. it's true science fiction

wove 1024 MB Posts: 1363	Reply #38 on: July 08, 2023, 18:00 I enjoy watching tech thrillers and sci-fi. Most of them include a healthy dose of improbable comtuter antics. The question always is, "Does the computer shenanigans detract from the watchability of the movie." I generally give sci-fi movies a pass on computer stuff. Sci-fi is just made up fantasy and well computers can do whatever it is you want them to do. I am much more critical of the thriller movies. "War Games" with Mathew Broderick is a good watchable movie and the oddities of the computer stuff does not overly distract from the movie. "The Net" with Sandra Bullock is a wreak of a movie and most of that is do to the distractions created by the computer nonsense. The same can be said of "Hackers" with Angelina Jolie. Seinfeld an American sitcom had a classic Mac as a prop sitting on a desk in the back of the room. I am not aware it was even turned on or used. It was not a distraction in any episode. However over time one tended to ask why there was a computer that was never used, mentioned or interacted with. Which for me anyway leads to wonder just how much Apple paid to have the prop placed in the show?

Bolkonskij Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023	Reply #39 on: September 15, 2023, 16:41 Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, The three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer. They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer. When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

68040 512 MB Posts: 950 68k - thy kingdom come, thy will be done !	Reply #40 on: September 15, 2023, 19:24 Oh, if life could only copy art.

Bolkonskij Administrator 1024 MB Posts: 2023	Reply #41 on: September 28, 2023, 17:54 College material. But since we're among us guys ...ahem ... Quote There were these three guys sitting on a park bench doing crossword puzzles. One was a college professor of English, one was an Anglican minister, and one was a plumber. Now it just so happened that they all started the same puzzle at the same time. And as things turned out, the minister was finished far before the other two. "Are you finished already?" cried the English prof in amazement. I don't mean to be patronizing, but I am a professor of English, and I pride myself on my vocabulary." The minister explained he had always had a knack for this kind of thing. The English prof relaxed a little bit and confessed, "but to tell the truth, I'm stuck. There is this one word I just can't get. The clue is, "refers to a female", it is four letters long, and the last three letters are U, N, T. Could you tell me what it is?" "Why that's easy," said the minister, "the word is aunt, A, U, N, T." Whereupon the plumber looked up and said, "Say, do either of you two fellows have an eraser?"
Last Edit: September 28, 2023, 17:55 by Bolkonskij
Knezzen Administrator 512 MB Posts: 608 Village idiot	Reply #42 on: November 22, 2023, 09:34 Stumbled on this gem browsing through Usenet In Heaven The cooks are French The policemen are English The mechanics are German The lovers are Italian and The bankers are Swiss. In Hell The cooks are English The policemen are German The mechanics are French The bankers are Italian and The lovers are Swiss.

wove 1024 MB Posts: 1363	Reply #43 on: November 22, 2023, 14:41 I like that:0 That is pretty darn good. I always thought Europeans were sort of sticks in the mud, because the EU requires everyone to be so politically correct. I guess I was wrong; live and learn. Tomorrow is a holiday in the US. Everyone have a wonderful day.

68040 512 MB Posts: 950 68k - thy kingdom come, thy will be done !	Reply #44 on: November 22, 2023, 15:36 Europe is much more culturally diverse than the US. A fact most Americans have a problem admitting, because they believe millions of ("unregistered") migrants each year have turned them into the most polyglot country of the world. But licking enough sugar drops to grow cavities and get diabetes at the same time doesn't transform you into a medical expert either. Or as one US East Coaster once remarked on his trip through Marrakesh: "I speak three languages. English, Irish and American!"
Last Edit: November 22, 2023, 15:38 by 68040
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